[if her refusal to take a seat stings (which. . . it does) Akira doesn't give any indication of same. instead, he folds his hands into his lap, expression even]
Mmm. . . you mean when I went in with Akechi, Nick and Ken?
[and not when he broke in with Ken, Ash and Missile. he assumes the answer to that is "yes," and his expression twists into an annoyed scowl]
Stupid things happened. But I can start from the beginning, if you'd like.
[idly. . . he lifts a hand to touch his chest, right above his heart. to reach for the charm that rests underneath his shirt, safe and sound, something that has become a symbol of him asking for strength ever since he was given it. his expression falls a bit more]
. . . it was-- [. . .] It wasn't easy. But. . . we persevered. We pushed through.
[. . .]
I'm. . . [a breath out, and his hand drops away to his lap] I'm okay. In the end, we were able to work things out.
[and he steels his expression, lifting his gaze to look up at her next]
Are you okay?
[he was so distracted earlier he never got to ask her what horrors she went through]
[She isn't returning the glance. The floor is very interesting. Moreso, she just looks completely drained, more than she's ever been since their arrival.
...
It takes her... much longer than it should to give him an answer, which in itself should answer his question much more than the words that do slip out of her mouth.]
I'm unharmed, yes. Our team was... very lucky, all things considered.
[. . . yeah. the pause between his question and her response says so, so much more than her actual words do. his expression shifts from something tired and frustrated to something concerned. and since she wouldn't sit with him on the couch. . .]
[carefully, he pushes himself up on his one good foot, using the arm of the couch to keep himself upright]
Hey. . .
[his voice is soft and gentle]
. . . why don't you sit down? You look exhausted, Luna.
[he doesn't approach, but neither does he move to sit down again, hip resting against the arm of the couch]
[. . .]
. . . can you tell me what happened?
[because something clearly did. he didn't know what it was, but. . . whatever she went through in the red room had been just as bad as what Akira and his group had experienced]
[he thinks back to the final conversation they had before she left on her journey through the red door-- Then I. . . I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me]
[. . .]
[he links his fingers together, gripping his hands tightly, knuckles white]
Then I'll tell you what happened. But first--
[. . .]
Do you really think everything I've ever said to you-- everything I've ever done-- was just. . . me trying to "pat your head," or placate you?
Her voice stays quiet, hesitant, as though she expects him to interrupt at any second.]
I thought a lot of things, until recently.
You... never really say anything. You ask without understanding sometimes. You just... act. And I wanted to take your actions at face value for the longest time. But after you said what happened with Goro, I... I realized that that was a foolish mistake, to think that way.
Now I just... [Her hands tremble in her lap as her eyes start to gloss over with moisture, her face hot.]
I feel your heart told me I was a person. I don't think that was ever meant as a lie. But your actions, your decisions, the... the way you chose to speak... all you were showing me was that I was just something to be... shielded. A child. A... A thing.
You... you cared. But you still just used me to... to make yourself feel better. Just like you did to Goro.
[That cold rush of shame returns, making her want to leave the room immediately. She cares so much for him. But...
[cuts so much more deeply than literally anything she has said up until now, and that is saying something. any warmth or happiness that might've lingered from when she asked him to kiss her earlier suddenly feels cold, like ice in his veins]
[it comes out in a defensive rush, his voice pleading, begging her not to misinterpret everything he had done within the past few weeks]
I never thought or felt that way. I wasn't. . . [he doesn't know how to fix this. he doesn't know how much of this is her own insecurities peeking through, purposefully coloring all of his actions in a negative light in the wake of his mistakes. . . or how much of it was really him completely fucking up. maybe it was both? his stomach twists in his gut, chest tightening, something prickling the corners of his eyes as he lifts a hand to scrub at them furiously] I wasn't using you, Luna. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't.
You are a person. You're a strong person, someone who has done so. . . so much for everyone here-- including me. You're not a child to be shielded, or a thing to be used by anyone.
[he says all of that as emphatically as he can]
Nothing I ever said or did was me trying to. . . coddle you, or calm you down, or shield you, or use you to make myself feel better. I was just. . .
[he looks down, hands curling into fists at his thighs, fingers wrapping against the fabric]
It hurts to hear, only because she knows it isn't a lie. But...
...]
How much do you know about what I think, Akira? Do you know what makes me different and why it's impossible for me to accept the things you sometimes say? Do you know why it's so hard not to go home to my fate? Do you know who or what I care about? How do I feel about the old woman? How about Doctor Klim? Or Blue, or Akechi, or...
...Or you?
...
Have... you ever bothered to ask? Or are your assumptions and your need to act greater than your need to... to actually know what it is that you care about...?
[. . . a deep breath. another one. then a third. it's. . . shaky, his hands trembling at his thighs, like he's trying to fight something back. it hurts, it stings, it cuts so so deep to have everything he's done called into question. for her doubt him so openly, or accuse him of not really knowing her, not really asking when he tried oh-so hard to understand. he thinks. . . it's probably deserved]
[but it being deserved doesn't mean it doesn't. . .]
[. . .]
[it takes him a moment to be able to look up at her again. a long moment to steel his expression, because no. he doesn't deserve to fall to pieces here]
. . . what assumptions do you think I'm making, Luna?
[Seeing him crumple does not make her feel better in any sense. But she stays where she is, brow tightening at his question. Thaaaaat is a dangerous topic, one that she knows better than to start on right now. Assumptions were dangerous no matter who was making them. But, at the very least... she has something clearer to use.]
Your... your apology to me on Tuesday is a good example.
Why was I upset, Akira?
[Because while his apology for her shame was touching, it felt like a bandage plastered over a gaping wound.]
[he pulled himself together again, at least!! even though he lets out another shaky breath, his back stiff, shoulders pulled taut]
. . . I thought there were a lot of reasons for it. Because I didn't tell you what happened between Akechi and I earlier. Because my timing was shitty, and I told you right after you had mustered up the courage to do something so brave, to. . . to selfishly chase that happiness you told me about before.
[. . .]
But after that conversation, I thought it might've been a little deeper than that. I thought. . . maybe you were upset because I did something that cast doubt on everything I've said or done with you the past six weeks. That's. . . kind of what I'm getting from this conversation. [. . .] It hurts a little bit, actually.
[he swallows thickly, and a bit of the harshness of his own demeanor softens]
. . . I thought asking you why you were upset would've just made things worse. It seems kind of shitty to ask someone you really hurt "hey, can you tell me exactly why you're upset with me," you know?
[he looks down again, then up, fingers fidgeting against his thighs]
[She doesn't respond. Instead, she wearily lifts herself from her seat against the chair, quietly crossing over to him, taking those tense hands up into her own.]
...I've never had anyone try to understand me to the extent you do. I... know you're only human. I try not to let that cloud my judgement.
If I didn't care so much about you... I don't think I could bear to say that I was hurting. Because I want you to understand. And it... it was hard to think that maybe, after all that time, it had been my fault for seeing things that just weren't true.
Maybe what was my fault was that I was expecting the world from you, though, when I... I just wanted Kurusu Akira.
[he stiffens a little when he feels her hands on his own, gaze snapping up again. since he's slumped half-seated on the arm of the chair. . . he's left looking up at her, gray eyes a little glassy despite his calm demeanor. he isn't wearing his glasses, or Rise's. . . and while his expressions had always been easy to read before, there's something so open, so raw, so earnest about it now that nothing sits between them]
[. . .]
[gently. . . he curls his fingers against hers, grip loose but still somehow a little needy]
I'd steal the entire world for you if I could. [AKIRA. . .] The moon, the stars, and the entire universe along with it. I'd steal it all for you.
[THOUGH. . . THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS AT THE MOMENT, IS IT? he lets out a small huff, lips twitching]
Though. . . at the very least, I can give you. . . me.
Her mouth quirks up into that same sad smile she had worn in the morning, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his forehead, letting her words echo in his skin.]
You... already stole my heart. You even warned me.
I... just want you to ask me more. Ask me, even if it hurts, until you can build something that you recognize around the heart you've taken.
[it's affection he's been craving, warmth that he's wanted-- no, needed-- ever since he fucked things up earlier this week. he leans into that kiss, breath hitching in his throat, grip on her hands tightening]
The foundation is already there. . . you know?
[his words are extremely shaky, but he fights against that unsteadiness, trying his hardest to even out his tone]
Love and relationships aren't built in a day, or even in six weeks. They take time and effort and hard work. . . I know that. I know that there's still a long way to go.
[more questions to ask, more to learn more to discover]
. . . if you'll let me, then I want to keep going. I want to keep trying to understand. I want to keep building. [. . .] I already recognize what's there, but. . .
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She wants to cross the room, to sit and rest and enjoy his presence. But... something halts her, souring her spirit, exhausting her further.
...
She stays on her feet, approaching enough that the conversation can stay quiet.]
I... wanted to ask what happened. In the red room.
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Mmm. . . you mean when I went in with Akechi, Nick and Ken?
[and not when he broke in with Ken, Ash and Missile. he assumes the answer to that is "yes," and his expression twists into an annoyed scowl]
Stupid things happened. But I can start from the beginning, if you'd like.
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She shakes her head.]
You don't have to if you don't want to. What the house resorted to was... cruel. But...
I... I saw Goro and Phoenix. I can imagine whatever happened was not easy for any of you. I just... wanted to make sure you were okay.
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[god he'll never get used to that]
[. . .]
[idly. . . he lifts a hand to touch his chest, right above his heart. to reach for the charm that rests underneath his shirt, safe and sound, something that has become a symbol of him asking for strength ever since he was given it. his expression falls a bit more]
. . . it was-- [. . .] It wasn't easy. But. . . we persevered. We pushed through.
[. . .]
I'm. . . [a breath out, and his hand drops away to his lap] I'm okay. In the end, we were able to work things out.
[and he steels his expression, lifting his gaze to look up at her next]
Are you okay?
[he was so distracted earlier he never got to ask her what horrors she went through]
no subject
...
It takes her... much longer than it should to give him an answer, which in itself should answer his question much more than the words that do slip out of her mouth.]
I'm unharmed, yes. Our team was... very lucky, all things considered.
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[carefully, he pushes himself up on his one good foot, using the arm of the couch to keep himself upright]
Hey. . .
[his voice is soft and gentle]
. . . why don't you sit down? You look exhausted, Luna.
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"...how much of his actions were nothing but... intentionally placating..."
...]
No, thank you. I'll be okay for a little while.
I need to find my teammates, anyway. I... owe then all an apology.
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[he doesn't approach, but neither does he move to sit down again, hip resting against the arm of the couch]
[. . .]
. . . can you tell me what happened?
[because something clearly did. he didn't know what it was, but. . . whatever she went through in the red room had been just as bad as what Akira and his group had experienced]
[if not worse]
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She moves to sit herself against the arm of a nearby chair, her expression pinched tight.]
...Stupid things happened.
[Congrats, that's all you get. That's all you gave her, after all.
She might be a little salty.]
no subject
[a few blinks]
[. . . a small huff, not quite amused, but not quite annoyed, either]
Luna. . .
[. . .]
[he shifts so he's sitting against the arm of the couch as well, hands linked in front of him now]
If it makes it easier, I can go first.
[he would've gone into detail-- he wasn't trying to avoid the question-- but then he got distracted by focusing on her!1]
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You said you worked things out, but...
I'm... I'm not stupid, Akira. I wouldn't ask things if all I wanted was to be patted on the head about it.
[She isn't angry. But she is hurt, concerned, morphing into her fatigue like they always belonged together.]
I... want to hear what happened. I don't need details. This... this isn't an interrogation.
But telling me you're okay when none of you are... that doesn't make me feel any better.
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[. . .]
[he thinks back to the final conversation they had before she left on her journey through the red door-- Then I. . . I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me]
[. . .]
[he links his fingers together, gripping his hands tightly, knuckles white]
Then I'll tell you what happened. But first--
[. . .]
Do you really think everything I've ever said to you-- everything I've ever done-- was just. . . me trying to "pat your head," or placate you?
no subject
Her voice stays quiet, hesitant, as though she expects him to interrupt at any second.]
I thought a lot of things, until recently.
You... never really say anything. You ask without understanding sometimes. You just... act. And I wanted to take your actions at face value for the longest time. But after you said what happened with Goro, I... I realized that that was a foolish mistake, to think that way.
Now I just... [Her hands tremble in her lap as her eyes start to gloss over with moisture, her face hot.]
I feel your heart told me I was a person. I don't think that was ever meant as a lie. But your actions, your decisions, the... the way you chose to speak... all you were showing me was that I was just something to be... shielded. A child. A... A thing.
You... you cared. But you still just used me to... to make yourself feel better. Just like you did to Goro.
[That cold rush of shame returns, making her want to leave the room immediately. She cares so much for him. But...
If she can't trust him, then what was the point?]
1/2
[cuts so much more deeply than literally anything she has said up until now, and that is saying something. any warmth or happiness that might've lingered from when she asked him to kiss her earlier suddenly feels cold, like ice in his veins]
no subject
[it comes out in a defensive rush, his voice pleading, begging her not to misinterpret everything he had done within the past few weeks]
I never thought or felt that way. I wasn't. . . [he doesn't know how to fix this. he doesn't know how much of this is her own insecurities peeking through, purposefully coloring all of his actions in a negative light in the wake of his mistakes. . . or how much of it was really him completely fucking up. maybe it was both? his stomach twists in his gut, chest tightening, something prickling the corners of his eyes as he lifts a hand to scrub at them furiously] I wasn't using you, Luna. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't.
You are a person. You're a strong person, someone who has done so. . . so much for everyone here-- including me. You're not a child to be shielded, or a thing to be used by anyone.
[he says all of that as emphatically as he can]
Nothing I ever said or did was me trying to. . . coddle you, or calm you down, or shield you, or use you to make myself feel better. I was just. . .
[he looks down, hands curling into fists at his thighs, fingers wrapping against the fabric]
. . . trying to show you I cared.
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It hurts to hear, only because she knows it isn't a lie. But...
...]
How much do you know about what I think, Akira? Do you know what makes me different and why it's impossible for me to accept the things you sometimes say? Do you know why it's so hard not to go home to my fate? Do you know who or what I care about? How do I feel about the old woman? How about Doctor Klim? Or Blue, or Akechi, or...
...Or you?
...
Have... you ever bothered to ask? Or are your assumptions and your need to act greater than your need to... to actually know what it is that you care about...?
no subject
[. . . a deep breath. another one. then a third. it's. . . shaky, his hands trembling at his thighs, like he's trying to fight something back. it hurts, it stings, it cuts so so deep to have everything he's done called into question. for her doubt him so openly, or accuse him of not really knowing her, not really asking when he tried oh-so hard to understand. he thinks. . . it's probably deserved]
[but it being deserved doesn't mean it doesn't. . .]
[. . .]
[it takes him a moment to be able to look up at her again. a long moment to steel his expression, because no. he doesn't deserve to fall to pieces here]
. . . what assumptions do you think I'm making, Luna?
no subject
Your... your apology to me on Tuesday is a good example.
Why was I upset, Akira?
[Because while his apology for her shame was touching, it felt like a bandage plastered over a gaping wound.]
no subject
. . . I thought there were a lot of reasons for it. Because I didn't tell you what happened between Akechi and I earlier. Because my timing was shitty, and I told you right after you had mustered up the courage to do something so brave, to. . . to selfishly chase that happiness you told me about before.
[. . .]
But after that conversation, I thought it might've been a little deeper than that. I thought. . . maybe you were upset because I did something that cast doubt on everything I've said or done with you the past six weeks. That's. . . kind of what I'm getting from this conversation. [. . .] It hurts a little bit, actually.
[but. . .]
. . . but how I feel about it doesn't matter.
Was I wrong. . .?
no subject
There's a softness to her response at that, guilt crawling up from her stomach to latch on to her throat.]
When you first came to apologize? Yes. You were.
Right now, though? I... think you do understand.
no subject
. . . I thought asking you why you were upset would've just made things worse. It seems kind of shitty to ask someone you really hurt "hey, can you tell me exactly why you're upset with me," you know?
[he looks down again, then up, fingers fidgeting against his thighs]
I'm sorry.
no subject
...I've never had anyone try to understand me to the extent you do. I... know you're only human. I try not to let that cloud my judgement.
If I didn't care so much about you... I don't think I could bear to say that I was hurting. Because I want you to understand. And it... it was hard to think that maybe, after all that time, it had been my fault for seeing things that just weren't true.
Maybe what was my fault was that I was expecting the world from you, though, when I... I just wanted Kurusu Akira.
no subject
[. . .]
[gently. . . he curls his fingers against hers, grip loose but still somehow a little needy]
I'd steal the entire world for you if I could. [AKIRA. . .] The moon, the stars, and the entire universe along with it. I'd steal it all for you.
[THOUGH. . . THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS AT THE MOMENT, IS IT? he lets out a small huff, lips twitching]
Though. . . at the very least, I can give you. . . me.
[that part. . . is so much more doable]
no subject
Her mouth quirks up into that same sad smile she had worn in the morning, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his forehead, letting her words echo in his skin.]
You... already stole my heart. You even warned me.
I... just want you to ask me more. Ask me, even if it hurts, until you can build something that you recognize around the heart you've taken.
no subject
[it's affection he's been craving, warmth that he's wanted-- no, needed-- ever since he fucked things up earlier this week. he leans into that kiss, breath hitching in his throat, grip on her hands tightening]
The foundation is already there. . . you know?
[his words are extremely shaky, but he fights against that unsteadiness, trying his hardest to even out his tone]
Love and relationships aren't built in a day, or even in six weeks. They take time and effort and hard work. . . I know that. I know that there's still a long way to go.
[more questions to ask, more to learn more to discover]
. . . if you'll let me, then I want to keep going. I want to keep trying to understand. I want to keep building. [. . .] I already recognize what's there, but. . .
It'd be nice to be able to make it even stronger.
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i can't believe this was supposed to be serious but now they're making out
IT'S SERIOUS MAKING OUT!!!
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