[he doesn't approach, but neither does he move to sit down again, hip resting against the arm of the couch]
[. . .]
. . . can you tell me what happened?
[because something clearly did. he didn't know what it was, but. . . whatever she went through in the red room had been just as bad as what Akira and his group had experienced]
[he thinks back to the final conversation they had before she left on her journey through the red door-- Then I. . . I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me]
[. . .]
[he links his fingers together, gripping his hands tightly, knuckles white]
Then I'll tell you what happened. But first--
[. . .]
Do you really think everything I've ever said to you-- everything I've ever done-- was just. . . me trying to "pat your head," or placate you?
Her voice stays quiet, hesitant, as though she expects him to interrupt at any second.]
I thought a lot of things, until recently.
You... never really say anything. You ask without understanding sometimes. You just... act. And I wanted to take your actions at face value for the longest time. But after you said what happened with Goro, I... I realized that that was a foolish mistake, to think that way.
Now I just... [Her hands tremble in her lap as her eyes start to gloss over with moisture, her face hot.]
I feel your heart told me I was a person. I don't think that was ever meant as a lie. But your actions, your decisions, the... the way you chose to speak... all you were showing me was that I was just something to be... shielded. A child. A... A thing.
You... you cared. But you still just used me to... to make yourself feel better. Just like you did to Goro.
[That cold rush of shame returns, making her want to leave the room immediately. She cares so much for him. But...
[cuts so much more deeply than literally anything she has said up until now, and that is saying something. any warmth or happiness that might've lingered from when she asked him to kiss her earlier suddenly feels cold, like ice in his veins]
[it comes out in a defensive rush, his voice pleading, begging her not to misinterpret everything he had done within the past few weeks]
I never thought or felt that way. I wasn't. . . [he doesn't know how to fix this. he doesn't know how much of this is her own insecurities peeking through, purposefully coloring all of his actions in a negative light in the wake of his mistakes. . . or how much of it was really him completely fucking up. maybe it was both? his stomach twists in his gut, chest tightening, something prickling the corners of his eyes as he lifts a hand to scrub at them furiously] I wasn't using you, Luna. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't.
You are a person. You're a strong person, someone who has done so. . . so much for everyone here-- including me. You're not a child to be shielded, or a thing to be used by anyone.
[he says all of that as emphatically as he can]
Nothing I ever said or did was me trying to. . . coddle you, or calm you down, or shield you, or use you to make myself feel better. I was just. . .
[he looks down, hands curling into fists at his thighs, fingers wrapping against the fabric]
It hurts to hear, only because she knows it isn't a lie. But...
...]
How much do you know about what I think, Akira? Do you know what makes me different and why it's impossible for me to accept the things you sometimes say? Do you know why it's so hard not to go home to my fate? Do you know who or what I care about? How do I feel about the old woman? How about Doctor Klim? Or Blue, or Akechi, or...
...Or you?
...
Have... you ever bothered to ask? Or are your assumptions and your need to act greater than your need to... to actually know what it is that you care about...?
[. . . a deep breath. another one. then a third. it's. . . shaky, his hands trembling at his thighs, like he's trying to fight something back. it hurts, it stings, it cuts so so deep to have everything he's done called into question. for her doubt him so openly, or accuse him of not really knowing her, not really asking when he tried oh-so hard to understand. he thinks. . . it's probably deserved]
[but it being deserved doesn't mean it doesn't. . .]
[. . .]
[it takes him a moment to be able to look up at her again. a long moment to steel his expression, because no. he doesn't deserve to fall to pieces here]
. . . what assumptions do you think I'm making, Luna?
[Seeing him crumple does not make her feel better in any sense. But she stays where she is, brow tightening at his question. Thaaaaat is a dangerous topic, one that she knows better than to start on right now. Assumptions were dangerous no matter who was making them. But, at the very least... she has something clearer to use.]
Your... your apology to me on Tuesday is a good example.
Why was I upset, Akira?
[Because while his apology for her shame was touching, it felt like a bandage plastered over a gaping wound.]
[he pulled himself together again, at least!! even though he lets out another shaky breath, his back stiff, shoulders pulled taut]
. . . I thought there were a lot of reasons for it. Because I didn't tell you what happened between Akechi and I earlier. Because my timing was shitty, and I told you right after you had mustered up the courage to do something so brave, to. . . to selfishly chase that happiness you told me about before.
[. . .]
But after that conversation, I thought it might've been a little deeper than that. I thought. . . maybe you were upset because I did something that cast doubt on everything I've said or done with you the past six weeks. That's. . . kind of what I'm getting from this conversation. [. . .] It hurts a little bit, actually.
[he swallows thickly, and a bit of the harshness of his own demeanor softens]
. . . I thought asking you why you were upset would've just made things worse. It seems kind of shitty to ask someone you really hurt "hey, can you tell me exactly why you're upset with me," you know?
[he looks down again, then up, fingers fidgeting against his thighs]
[She doesn't respond. Instead, she wearily lifts herself from her seat against the chair, quietly crossing over to him, taking those tense hands up into her own.]
...I've never had anyone try to understand me to the extent you do. I... know you're only human. I try not to let that cloud my judgement.
If I didn't care so much about you... I don't think I could bear to say that I was hurting. Because I want you to understand. And it... it was hard to think that maybe, after all that time, it had been my fault for seeing things that just weren't true.
Maybe what was my fault was that I was expecting the world from you, though, when I... I just wanted Kurusu Akira.
[he stiffens a little when he feels her hands on his own, gaze snapping up again. since he's slumped half-seated on the arm of the chair. . . he's left looking up at her, gray eyes a little glassy despite his calm demeanor. he isn't wearing his glasses, or Rise's. . . and while his expressions had always been easy to read before, there's something so open, so raw, so earnest about it now that nothing sits between them]
[. . .]
[gently. . . he curls his fingers against hers, grip loose but still somehow a little needy]
I'd steal the entire world for you if I could. [AKIRA. . .] The moon, the stars, and the entire universe along with it. I'd steal it all for you.
[THOUGH. . . THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS AT THE MOMENT, IS IT? he lets out a small huff, lips twitching]
Though. . . at the very least, I can give you. . . me.
Her mouth quirks up into that same sad smile she had worn in the morning, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his forehead, letting her words echo in his skin.]
You... already stole my heart. You even warned me.
I... just want you to ask me more. Ask me, even if it hurts, until you can build something that you recognize around the heart you've taken.
[it's affection he's been craving, warmth that he's wanted-- no, needed-- ever since he fucked things up earlier this week. he leans into that kiss, breath hitching in his throat, grip on her hands tightening]
The foundation is already there. . . you know?
[his words are extremely shaky, but he fights against that unsteadiness, trying his hardest to even out his tone]
Love and relationships aren't built in a day, or even in six weeks. They take time and effort and hard work. . . I know that. I know that there's still a long way to go.
[more questions to ask, more to learn more to discover]
. . . if you'll let me, then I want to keep going. I want to keep trying to understand. I want to keep building. [. . .] I already recognize what's there, but. . .
[her words stay calm against the timbre of his own, thumbs tracing against the warmth of his skin]
I can't pretend that the mistakes you've made haven't hurt. I'm sorry. I... I would be lying if I said my perception hasn't been altered.
But... I forgive you.
[One of her hands releases, only to press against his face with a gentle curl of her knuckles, guiding him to look at her, at blue eyes that hold warmth even with the hurt and fatigue and distress that she still has yet to address.]
May I have permission to kiss you, phantom thief of hearts?
[it's rather easy to guide his face upwards; he doesn't resist her at all, and while the glassy quality of his eyes as leaked out a little bit, moisture collecting at the edges, he is. . . well]
[he's smiling. it's gentle and and contrite and, perhaps, a little relieved]
[. . . he lifts the hand she released, resting it against her shoulder, fingers curling into the collar of her shirt]
Y-- yeah.
[he stumbles over that response, not because he's hesitating, but because he might be trying his best not to cry]
Of course. From now on, you don't-- you don't even need to ask.
[. . . but he'll let her ultimately close the distance between them, even though his chin is tilted up and ready]
[Mmm. Something in that crack of his composure tugs at her heart. Her hand moves gently, lifting just enough to brush against where those tears have started to collect.]
...It's okay, Akira.
It's only me.
["It's okay to cry."
She will give him a moment, squeezing at his hand, before leaning into to carefully press her lips to his.]
[ah. fuck. damn it. every time she says that. . .]
[he shakes his head, screwing his eyes shut just in time to allow a small trickle of moisture to cascade down his cheek. he always feels so stupid when he cries. . . even though he knows, logically, that it's okay to do so]
[even though he encourages others-- has encouraged her-- to let it out]
[he doesn't have time to argue the point though, because a moment later she leans in to catch his mouth with hers. she'll taste the slightest bit of salt from where the tear gathered at the corners of his lips (if she can taste???), but there isn't any hesitation or uncertainty in the way he kisses her back]
[just as gentle as the first. . . well. the second time]
[Unlike before, where they had been in the view of others... now, they have privacy. Now she can let herself linger on every motion, let him catch his breath as he needs to, let him guide her when she inevitably hesitates. It's a warm, curious process, her hand slipping to support his head, caught up in the gentle curls of his hair.]
[it's warm, curious, and fully exploratory. . . as before, he's experienced but doesn't take it too deeply or too far for her to catch up with. it's a process of getting to know each other, of memorizing and learning how their lips feel pressed together. of memorizing her taste and her scent and everything that makes her so wonderful]
[his hand slips from the collar of her shirt, fingers brushing up against her neck, before it comes to rest at her cheek]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"...how much of his actions were nothing but... intentionally placating..."
...]
No, thank you. I'll be okay for a little while.
I need to find my teammates, anyway. I... owe then all an apology.
no subject
[he doesn't approach, but neither does he move to sit down again, hip resting against the arm of the couch]
[. . .]
. . . can you tell me what happened?
[because something clearly did. he didn't know what it was, but. . . whatever she went through in the red room had been just as bad as what Akira and his group had experienced]
[if not worse]
no subject
She moves to sit herself against the arm of a nearby chair, her expression pinched tight.]
...Stupid things happened.
[Congrats, that's all you get. That's all you gave her, after all.
She might be a little salty.]
no subject
[a few blinks]
[. . . a small huff, not quite amused, but not quite annoyed, either]
Luna. . .
[. . .]
[he shifts so he's sitting against the arm of the couch as well, hands linked in front of him now]
If it makes it easier, I can go first.
[he would've gone into detail-- he wasn't trying to avoid the question-- but then he got distracted by focusing on her!1]
no subject
You said you worked things out, but...
I'm... I'm not stupid, Akira. I wouldn't ask things if all I wanted was to be patted on the head about it.
[She isn't angry. But she is hurt, concerned, morphing into her fatigue like they always belonged together.]
I... want to hear what happened. I don't need details. This... this isn't an interrogation.
But telling me you're okay when none of you are... that doesn't make me feel any better.
no subject
[. . .]
[he thinks back to the final conversation they had before she left on her journey through the red door-- Then I. . . I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me]
[. . .]
[he links his fingers together, gripping his hands tightly, knuckles white]
Then I'll tell you what happened. But first--
[. . .]
Do you really think everything I've ever said to you-- everything I've ever done-- was just. . . me trying to "pat your head," or placate you?
no subject
Her voice stays quiet, hesitant, as though she expects him to interrupt at any second.]
I thought a lot of things, until recently.
You... never really say anything. You ask without understanding sometimes. You just... act. And I wanted to take your actions at face value for the longest time. But after you said what happened with Goro, I... I realized that that was a foolish mistake, to think that way.
Now I just... [Her hands tremble in her lap as her eyes start to gloss over with moisture, her face hot.]
I feel your heart told me I was a person. I don't think that was ever meant as a lie. But your actions, your decisions, the... the way you chose to speak... all you were showing me was that I was just something to be... shielded. A child. A... A thing.
You... you cared. But you still just used me to... to make yourself feel better. Just like you did to Goro.
[That cold rush of shame returns, making her want to leave the room immediately. She cares so much for him. But...
If she can't trust him, then what was the point?]
1/2
[cuts so much more deeply than literally anything she has said up until now, and that is saying something. any warmth or happiness that might've lingered from when she asked him to kiss her earlier suddenly feels cold, like ice in his veins]
no subject
[it comes out in a defensive rush, his voice pleading, begging her not to misinterpret everything he had done within the past few weeks]
I never thought or felt that way. I wasn't. . . [he doesn't know how to fix this. he doesn't know how much of this is her own insecurities peeking through, purposefully coloring all of his actions in a negative light in the wake of his mistakes. . . or how much of it was really him completely fucking up. maybe it was both? his stomach twists in his gut, chest tightening, something prickling the corners of his eyes as he lifts a hand to scrub at them furiously] I wasn't using you, Luna. I wouldn't-- I wouldn't.
You are a person. You're a strong person, someone who has done so. . . so much for everyone here-- including me. You're not a child to be shielded, or a thing to be used by anyone.
[he says all of that as emphatically as he can]
Nothing I ever said or did was me trying to. . . coddle you, or calm you down, or shield you, or use you to make myself feel better. I was just. . .
[he looks down, hands curling into fists at his thighs, fingers wrapping against the fabric]
. . . trying to show you I cared.
no subject
It hurts to hear, only because she knows it isn't a lie. But...
...]
How much do you know about what I think, Akira? Do you know what makes me different and why it's impossible for me to accept the things you sometimes say? Do you know why it's so hard not to go home to my fate? Do you know who or what I care about? How do I feel about the old woman? How about Doctor Klim? Or Blue, or Akechi, or...
...Or you?
...
Have... you ever bothered to ask? Or are your assumptions and your need to act greater than your need to... to actually know what it is that you care about...?
no subject
[. . . a deep breath. another one. then a third. it's. . . shaky, his hands trembling at his thighs, like he's trying to fight something back. it hurts, it stings, it cuts so so deep to have everything he's done called into question. for her doubt him so openly, or accuse him of not really knowing her, not really asking when he tried oh-so hard to understand. he thinks. . . it's probably deserved]
[but it being deserved doesn't mean it doesn't. . .]
[. . .]
[it takes him a moment to be able to look up at her again. a long moment to steel his expression, because no. he doesn't deserve to fall to pieces here]
. . . what assumptions do you think I'm making, Luna?
no subject
Your... your apology to me on Tuesday is a good example.
Why was I upset, Akira?
[Because while his apology for her shame was touching, it felt like a bandage plastered over a gaping wound.]
no subject
. . . I thought there were a lot of reasons for it. Because I didn't tell you what happened between Akechi and I earlier. Because my timing was shitty, and I told you right after you had mustered up the courage to do something so brave, to. . . to selfishly chase that happiness you told me about before.
[. . .]
But after that conversation, I thought it might've been a little deeper than that. I thought. . . maybe you were upset because I did something that cast doubt on everything I've said or done with you the past six weeks. That's. . . kind of what I'm getting from this conversation. [. . .] It hurts a little bit, actually.
[but. . .]
. . . but how I feel about it doesn't matter.
Was I wrong. . .?
no subject
There's a softness to her response at that, guilt crawling up from her stomach to latch on to her throat.]
When you first came to apologize? Yes. You were.
Right now, though? I... think you do understand.
no subject
. . . I thought asking you why you were upset would've just made things worse. It seems kind of shitty to ask someone you really hurt "hey, can you tell me exactly why you're upset with me," you know?
[he looks down again, then up, fingers fidgeting against his thighs]
I'm sorry.
no subject
...I've never had anyone try to understand me to the extent you do. I... know you're only human. I try not to let that cloud my judgement.
If I didn't care so much about you... I don't think I could bear to say that I was hurting. Because I want you to understand. And it... it was hard to think that maybe, after all that time, it had been my fault for seeing things that just weren't true.
Maybe what was my fault was that I was expecting the world from you, though, when I... I just wanted Kurusu Akira.
no subject
[. . .]
[gently. . . he curls his fingers against hers, grip loose but still somehow a little needy]
I'd steal the entire world for you if I could. [AKIRA. . .] The moon, the stars, and the entire universe along with it. I'd steal it all for you.
[THOUGH. . . THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS AT THE MOMENT, IS IT? he lets out a small huff, lips twitching]
Though. . . at the very least, I can give you. . . me.
[that part. . . is so much more doable]
no subject
Her mouth quirks up into that same sad smile she had worn in the morning, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to his forehead, letting her words echo in his skin.]
You... already stole my heart. You even warned me.
I... just want you to ask me more. Ask me, even if it hurts, until you can build something that you recognize around the heart you've taken.
no subject
[it's affection he's been craving, warmth that he's wanted-- no, needed-- ever since he fucked things up earlier this week. he leans into that kiss, breath hitching in his throat, grip on her hands tightening]
The foundation is already there. . . you know?
[his words are extremely shaky, but he fights against that unsteadiness, trying his hardest to even out his tone]
Love and relationships aren't built in a day, or even in six weeks. They take time and effort and hard work. . . I know that. I know that there's still a long way to go.
[more questions to ask, more to learn more to discover]
. . . if you'll let me, then I want to keep going. I want to keep trying to understand. I want to keep building. [. . .] I already recognize what's there, but. . .
It'd be nice to be able to make it even stronger.
no subject
[her words stay calm against the timbre of his own, thumbs tracing against the warmth of his skin]
I can't pretend that the mistakes you've made haven't hurt. I'm sorry. I... I would be lying if I said my perception hasn't been altered.
But... I forgive you.
[One of her hands releases, only to press against his face with a gentle curl of her knuckles, guiding him to look at her, at blue eyes that hold warmth even with the hurt and fatigue and distress that she still has yet to address.]
May I have permission to kiss you, phantom thief of hearts?
no subject
[he's smiling. it's gentle and and contrite and, perhaps, a little relieved]
[. . . he lifts the hand she released, resting it against her shoulder, fingers curling into the collar of her shirt]
Y-- yeah.
[he stumbles over that response, not because he's hesitating, but because he might be trying his best not to cry]
Of course. From now on, you don't-- you don't even need to ask.
[. . . but he'll let her ultimately close the distance between them, even though his chin is tilted up and ready]
no subject
...It's okay, Akira.
It's only me.
["It's okay to cry."
She will give him a moment, squeezing at his hand, before leaning into to carefully press her lips to his.]
no subject
[he shakes his head, screwing his eyes shut just in time to allow a small trickle of moisture to cascade down his cheek. he always feels so stupid when he cries. . . even though he knows, logically, that it's okay to do so]
[even though he encourages others-- has encouraged her-- to let it out]
[he doesn't have time to argue the point though, because a moment later she leans in to catch his mouth with hers. she'll taste the slightest bit of salt from where the tear gathered at the corners of his lips (if she can taste???), but there isn't any hesitation or uncertainty in the way he kisses her back]
[just as gentle as the first. . . well. the second time]
no subject
no subject
[his hand slips from the collar of her shirt, fingers brushing up against her neck, before it comes to rest at her cheek]
i can't believe this was supposed to be serious but now they're making out
IT'S SERIOUS MAKING OUT!!!
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