[he doesn't get much sleep Monday night, if he's being completely honest. there's too much on his mind, too much riding on the days to come, and an uncomfortable anxiety settling in the pit of his stomach, heavy and debilitating]
[. . .]
[so he spends Monday night doing something else. he spends Tuesday morning gathering up his thoughts and trying to put them together in a coherent, understandable way]
[and he finds her in the infirmary about an hour before she leaves. he leans his shoulder against the door frame and knocks gently to announce his presence before her name falls from his lips, tentative and somewhat uncertain]
[She's off in the corner next to one of the cabinets, gathering supplies with a slow, cold efficiency. She doesn't want to do this. She's frightened. She's tired. She's... hurt. But she knows what's likely to be ahead, and she knows she has some sort of responsibilty to the ones she had decided to go with.
At the sound of her name, the sound of his voice - HIS voice, both the one thing she wanted to hear and the very last thing she wanted to deal with - Luna freezes. Just for a moment, letting out a rough, pained exhale through the nose... before quietly continuing what she was doing.]
[he doesn't expect her to turn around to face him, so for now. . . the cold, distant acknowledgement is enough, even if it stings. he manages to keep his expression even despite his urge to flinch, and with a sharp exhale of his own. . . he steps into the room]
I--
[in his hand he holds a small, letter-sized envelope, flat except for a tiny bulge in the middle that ruins its shape. he doesn't stop walking until he has crossed the room to where she is, standing a few feet away to give her space]
. . .
[and then, with the envelope clutched in both hands, fingers digging into the paper so tightly it crinkles. . . he dips forward in a very, very formal and deep bow, entire body bent at his waist]
Luna, I am so, so, so sorry. For your courage, for your bravery, you deserved a much better response from me than-- that.
[he doesn't budge from where he stands bent over apologetically, either. he doesn't lift his head-- won't lift it-- until he is finished]
Every time I held your hand, or kissed your forehead, or laughed with you or smiled at you or spent time with you or cried with you. I was. . . asking.
[even if not verbally. but to Akira, actions had always spoken so much more loudly than words, anyway. his grip on the envelope tightens so much that he fears he may tear it]
. . . so I'm sorry. For asking, and then having the gall to react the way that I did, even knowing what it is I've wanted all along.
She shudders despite herself, needing to press a hand to her face until she can pull herself back together. Once she has, Luna sighs tiredly, her voice a little weaker.]
Didn't I ask you not to rush through your answer for this?
You've only known me for six weeks, Akira. Just six weeks. After today, that... [It might be over, though she can't bear to say it.]
You've been kind, compassionate, friendly, but... you're like that with everyone. I...
I... don't think I know what it is you've been asking at all.
[. . . he allows himself to straighten, but only slightly, only so he can lift his head to watch her movements, to read what little body language she allows to seep through]
This isn't rushed at all. I've known my answer. If I asked for time yesterday, it wasn't because I didn't. It was just because I wanted to make sure I wasn't. . . hurting anyone's feelings.
[hers, or Akechi's. but that plan backfired a whole lot]
. . . but I wound up hurting them, anyway. And that's why I'm apologizing, because. . .
[a shaky breath]
There are so many things I should've done different. And I want. . . to try again.
[but that, of course, depends on her. on her and what she has the strength to do when her heart is still reeling. he's prepared for her to say no, at the very least. but it doesn't hurt to ask]
Slowly, she turns, her expression flat as her eyes follow the line of his body, bent over in solemn apology. He's saying words without explaining, leaving her to guess at his intention, his meaning, what in the world his answer even was.... which stings her heart.]
[he sees her turn around, and only then does he straighten completely, lifting both hands that are clutching the envelope up to his chest]
Because I like you.
[the words come out with an exhale of breath, a confirmation of something he had danced around but never fully. . . said]
Or. . . maybe that's not a strong enough of a word for it. But I like you. So much that it hurts, but not in a bad way.
[ah--]
[he swallows thickly, and holds the envelope out to her]
I want. . . you to come home to Tokyo with me. I want to take you to Leblanc and have coffee together, even if you can't drink it. I want to show you around my home city, and introduce you to my friends and my family, and take you to the top of the Sky Tower so you can see what the whole city looks like illuminated at night. It's-- it's beautiful, you know? I want six weeks to be more than six weeks. So much more.
[. . .]
I want to take you to an amusement park, and go on a roller coaster together, and laugh at the stupid picture they take of us as we're dropping down the incline. I want to wear one of those stupid animal-ear headbands together and watch people roll their eyes at us when we're sappy on the subway ride home. I want all of that, and--
A. . . anyway. [with the envelope still held out, he ducks his head again] . . . you don't have to do anything now, if you don't want to.
[. . .]
I want you to have this. You don't have to open it yet, but if you ever feel like you can forgive me for being a jerk, or that you still want all of that too, then--
[Her expression doesn't change, despite the horrific mix of emotions his words being. It's calming. It's cruel. It's wonderful. But it isn't hers to have. She wants. But... she wants someone else to be happier. He hasn't even mentioned Akechi. She thinks it might very well be intentional.
Her mouth twists with effort as blue eyes trace down to the envelope, crinkled and torn from his nervous grip. She can't tell what is, and she doesn't feel like she can commit to what he'd asked right now by opening it. Her chest still hurts to listen to him, to see him...
...
She'll extend a hand, delicately taking the envelope, before silently slipping it into the pockets of her dress. Her eyes fill with pain.]
I'm.... I'm sorry. That's not...
I can't answer this. Right now of all times is... bad.
[a tiny sense of relief floods through his veins when she takes the envelope, his hands falling away. but. . . it's only a small flicker. the pain in her expression is still evident, and until it's gone--]
[. . . ]
I know.
[he knows his timing isn't great. but he couldn't just let her go without saying something. without doing something. he knows he'll see her again on the other side-- has to believe that he will, lest his heart ache all the more with the thought that their separation is like this-- but it's still. . . terrifying]
[Her hands wring together, gaze to the side. She chews over her words for a long moment looking extremely uncomfortable.]
Having things hidden away... it... it really, really hurts to find those things, Akira. But...
It hurts even worse to... to just have to guess.
[She doesn't know what to think. She's still so upset, the feeling that he's just apologizing to calm her down prominent on her mind. Was he just leading her along for fun up until now? Would he end up treating her, talking about her, viewing her in the same way? She... she doesn't know anymore. She doesn't know if she wants to find out.]
[a shaky breath out, and although part of him wants to look away, he doesn't. he keeps his gaze affixed on her, watching her every move, her every facial expression]
[. . . what had she been about to say?]
[. . .]
Yeah. I should've said it all a lot sooner.
[last night, maybe. . .? the only reason he didn't back then was because he wasn't sure she'd believe him. does she believe him now?]
[. . .]
[a tiny huff, and his eyes finally flicker to the side]
But everything I just told you. . . that's how I really feel.
[. . .]
And whatever you decide to do with that. . . I'll respect your choice.
She doesn't believe him. She wants to, desperately. But she can't.
...]
...
I should go. Brilith and the others will be wondering w-where I am. [She hoists the bag of supplies up and over head, though she doesn't move to leave just yet, hands buried against the strap of the bag she carries.]
...
Akira...
If... if you really kissed Akechi that night to try and calm him down when he was upset...
Then I... I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me.
[The same night, over the same issue, when she was also upset. It haunts her, a shuddering weight in her stomach even voicing it out loud.]
I'm sorry. I...
...
Goodbye.
[If he responds, she will not listen. She'll simply take her supplies and immediately beeline for the door, before her words betray her any further.]
[he gaze snaps back towards her, yanked back into focus by those words. his mouth falls open for a moment, expression slack, the words dangling on the tip of his tongue. by the time he has the presence of mind to speak, she's already at the door]
W-- wait, you think that I--
[a bit breathless as it all suddenly clicks into one horrible and painful place]
You think it was the same? Luna-- it wasn't--
[he takes a step towards her, trying to stop her from leaving, but considering his delayed response. . . she is probably out and gone before he can]
[She's gone WELL before he can try. It's questionable that she even heard what he said. All she does is move, cold and upset and tired and frightened and trying her best to think of what she has to do, to the task at hand... rather than dwell on the words of Kurusu Akira.
but even as the group steps through the room of req
even as she forces everything down to try and think of saving humanity, of saving those trapped in this place
[she's gone, and he isn't even sure she heard him, and his throat feels tight and his face burns and--]
[. . .]
[. . . he slumps against the wall, furiously scrubbing at his face, a string of barely audible curses whispered upon his lips. and before he pulls himself upright. . .]
[he lowers his hand, curls his fingers into a fist, and brings same down against the wall as hard as he can]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w6, tuesday afternoon an hour before she leaves
[. . .]
[so he spends Monday night doing something else. he spends Tuesday morning gathering up his thoughts and trying to put them together in a coherent, understandable way]
[and he finds her in the infirmary about an hour before she leaves. he leans his shoulder against the door frame and knocks gently to announce his presence before her name falls from his lips, tentative and somewhat uncertain]
. . . Luna?
no subject
At the sound of her name, the sound of his voice - HIS voice, both the one thing she wanted to hear and the very last thing she wanted to deal with - Luna freezes. Just for a moment, letting out a rough, pained exhale through the nose... before quietly continuing what she was doing.]
Is there something you needed?
[It's quiet, numb, like stone.]
no subject
I--
[in his hand he holds a small, letter-sized envelope, flat except for a tiny bulge in the middle that ruins its shape. he doesn't stop walking until he has crossed the room to where she is, standing a few feet away to give her space]
. . .
[and then, with the envelope clutched in both hands, fingers digging into the paper so tightly it crinkles. . . he dips forward in a very, very formal and deep bow, entire body bent at his waist]
Luna, I am so, so, so sorry. For your courage, for your bravery, you deserved a much better response from me than-- that.
no subject
She doesn't move to turn around, though her motions slow, hands lowering to settle on the bag in front of her.]
There's no need to apologize. You said what you felt you had to.
I was the one who pushed something like that on you without properly asking, anyway.
[Her tone doesn't budge.]
no subject
[he doesn't budge from where he stands bent over apologetically, either. he doesn't lift his head-- won't lift it-- until he is finished]
Every time I held your hand, or kissed your forehead, or laughed with you or smiled at you or spent time with you or cried with you. I was. . . asking.
[even if not verbally. but to Akira, actions had always spoken so much more loudly than words, anyway. his grip on the envelope tightens so much that he fears he may tear it]
. . . so I'm sorry. For asking, and then having the gall to react the way that I did, even knowing what it is I've wanted all along.
I messed up. And you deserved so much better.
no subject
She shudders despite herself, needing to press a hand to her face until she can pull herself back together. Once she has, Luna sighs tiredly, her voice a little weaker.]
Didn't I ask you not to rush through your answer for this?
You've only known me for six weeks, Akira. Just six weeks. After today, that... [It might be over, though she can't bear to say it.]
You've been kind, compassionate, friendly, but... you're like that with everyone. I...
I... don't think I know what it is you've been asking at all.
no subject
[. . . he allows himself to straighten, but only slightly, only so he can lift his head to watch her movements, to read what little body language she allows to seep through]
This isn't rushed at all. I've known my answer. If I asked for time yesterday, it wasn't because I didn't. It was just because I wanted to make sure I wasn't. . . hurting anyone's feelings.
[hers, or Akechi's. but that plan backfired a whole lot]
. . . but I wound up hurting them, anyway. And that's why I'm apologizing, because. . .
[a shaky breath]
There are so many things I should've done different. And I want. . . to try again.
[but that, of course, depends on her. on her and what she has the strength to do when her heart is still reeling. he's prepared for her to say no, at the very least. but it doesn't hurt to ask]
no subject
Slowly, she turns, her expression flat as her eyes follow the line of his body, bent over in solemn apology. He's saying words without explaining, leaving her to guess at his intention, his meaning, what in the world his answer even was.... which stings her heart.]
Why do you want that, Akira?
1/2
Because I like you.
[the words come out with an exhale of breath, a confirmation of something he had danced around but never fully. . . said]
Or. . . maybe that's not a strong enough of a word for it. But I like you. So much that it hurts, but not in a bad way.
[ah--]
[he swallows thickly, and holds the envelope out to her]
I want. . . you to come home to Tokyo with me. I want to take you to Leblanc and have coffee together, even if you can't drink it. I want to show you around my home city, and introduce you to my friends and my family, and take you to the top of the Sky Tower so you can see what the whole city looks like illuminated at night. It's-- it's beautiful, you know? I want six weeks to be more than six weeks. So much more.
[. . .]
I want to take you to an amusement park, and go on a roller coaster together, and laugh at the stupid picture they take of us as we're dropping down the incline. I want to wear one of those stupid animal-ear headbands together and watch people roll their eyes at us when we're sappy on the subway ride home. I want all of that, and--
no subject
A. . . anyway. [with the envelope still held out, he ducks his head again] . . . you don't have to do anything now, if you don't want to.
[. . .]
I want you to have this. You don't have to open it yet, but if you ever feel like you can forgive me for being a jerk, or that you still want all of that too, then--
Then open it then. Okay?
no subject
Her mouth twists with effort as blue eyes trace down to the envelope, crinkled and torn from his nervous grip. She can't tell what is, and she doesn't feel like she can commit to what he'd asked right now by opening it. Her chest still hurts to listen to him, to see him...
...
She'll extend a hand, delicately taking the envelope, before silently slipping it into the pockets of her dress. Her eyes fill with pain.]
I'm.... I'm sorry. That's not...
I can't answer this. Right now of all times is... bad.
But.....
no subject
[. . . ]
I know.
[he knows his timing isn't great. but he couldn't just let her go without saying something. without doing something. he knows he'll see her again on the other side-- has to believe that he will, lest his heart ache all the more with the thought that their separation is like this-- but it's still. . . terrifying]
[but he won't rush her. he won't]
.. . but?
no subject
No. Forget it, it's nothing.
[Her hands wring together, gaze to the side. She chews over her words for a long moment looking extremely uncomfortable.]
Having things hidden away... it... it really, really hurts to find those things, Akira. But...
It hurts even worse to... to just have to guess.
[She doesn't know what to think. She's still so upset, the feeling that he's just apologizing to calm her down prominent on her mind. Was he just leading her along for fun up until now? Would he end up treating her, talking about her, viewing her in the same way? She... she doesn't know anymore. She doesn't know if she wants to find out.]
no subject
[. . . what had she been about to say?]
[. . .]
Yeah. I should've said it all a lot sooner.
[last night, maybe. . .? the only reason he didn't back then was because he wasn't sure she'd believe him. does she believe him now?]
[. . .]
[a tiny huff, and his eyes finally flicker to the side]
But everything I just told you. . . that's how I really feel.
[. . .]
And whatever you decide to do with that. . . I'll respect your choice.
[because in the end, it is hers to make]
no subject
She doesn't believe him. She wants to, desperately. But she can't.
...]
...
I should go. Brilith and the others will be wondering w-where I am. [She hoists the bag of supplies up and over head, though she doesn't move to leave just yet, hands buried against the strap of the bag she carries.]
...
Akira...
If... if you really kissed Akechi that night to try and calm him down when he was upset...
Then I... I don't want to know why you tried to do the same with me.
[The same night, over the same issue, when she was also upset. It haunts her, a shuddering weight in her stomach even voicing it out loud.]
I'm sorry. I...
...
Goodbye.
[If he responds, she will not listen. She'll simply take her supplies and immediately beeline for the door, before her words betray her any further.]
no subject
W-- wait, you think that I--
[a bit breathless as it all suddenly clicks into one horrible and painful place]
You think it was the same? Luna-- it wasn't--
[he takes a step towards her, trying to stop her from leaving, but considering his delayed response. . . she is probably out and gone before he can]
no subject
but even as the group steps through the room of req
even as she forces everything down to try and think of saving humanity, of saving those trapped in this place
even now
she thinks of him
and wants to cry for the unfairness of it all.]
no subject
[. . .]
[. . . he slumps against the wall, furiously scrubbing at his face, a string of barely audible curses whispered upon his lips. and before he pulls himself upright. . .]
[he lowers his hand, curls his fingers into a fist, and brings same down against the wall as hard as he can]