[almost surreal, hearing those words echoed back to him nearly a week later, spoken from Luna like they're her own. he finds himself forgetting how to breath, even as his own eyes screw shut, even as he tilts his head into that touch which is somehow laden with warmth despite her current appearance]
[something snaps. something familiar and yet not, all in one]
Why. . .
[he breathes out that word, his features twisted and pinched together, and presses their joined hands against his face to try and hide his expression. he is trembling]
W-- why would I? There's nothing to c-cry about. . . you're okay, right? So it's. . . f-fine.
[Her touch stays as gentle as it has always been, stroking his hair, curling her fingers against his own and feeling herself ache even further at how Akira trembles under her hands.]
...You and I both know that nothing about this is fine, or fair, or normal. It's cruel. It's... it's exhausting. It's exhausting to... to be the one everyone else relies on.
If you could let someone like me, who doesn't even think of my emotions as completely real, still have a moment to mourn... then please. Please. Don't let this place convince you of anything else, other than its horror.
This place only takes, Akira. Even if all it takes in the moment is normalcy, or stability, or the comfort of knowing someone might be alive the next morning... it's okay to mourn what is being lost.
[he doesn't know what does it. he doesn't know, at what point, the part of him that was holding back finally decides to burst. all he knows is that the cracking grows louder, the tightness in his chest increases, his entire face feels hot and gross and--]
[and. . .]
[he pitches forward to bury his face against the table on which Luna rests, her hand still resting underneath him. he doesn't make any sounds-- each and every one is stifled before it can tumble from his lips-- but. . . the trembling increases]
[and it's so strange, so weirdly cathartic, to finally let go after six weeks of holding himself back]
[She won't interrupt. But Akira may hear her weight shift, her free hand moving to rest gently at the nape of his neck as she leans her head to rest against his, her face partially buried in the curly dark locks of his hair. It would be a kiss, were she in any other form but this.
[it might not be a kiss as Akira has come to know them, but the intent is there. . . and in these circumstances, it's enough]
[. . .]
[he tilts his head into it, lifting his face slightly so she can see the red of his eyes, even though he almost instantly lifts a hand to cover them, to wipe away whatever moisture was accumulating at the edges. he had his moment. he needs to focus now. . . doesn't he?]
[he is only allowed so long to break and crack and crumble. he needs to pull himself back together]
Sorry.
[he shouldn't be apologizing. Luna invited this, after all]
. . . I'm sorry.
[but he is not used to being this open, to being this vulnerable in front of others]
[She'll see that look in his eyes, noting it, but carefully turning her view from it, giving him the privacy he wants, instead resting her temple against his head as she speaks.]
I worry about you. You take on so much... and you try so hard to help everyone cooperate. But... I never see anyone do the same for you. And I... I worry. Even for the strongest people, or those with the bravest types of generosity... there's only so much hurt a heart can hold without collapsing.
[Her own hand stays steady in the grip of his trembling fingers, her thumb tracing a gentle circle against the flesh.]
I'm glad to see you let yourself be perfectly human. It... it lets me know that you're going to be okay.
[he huffs a small noise, something between a laugh and a sigh, and tilts his head into her temple as his eyes slip shut again. out of her view, he lifts a hand to wipe at his face, to rub away any lingering moisture on his cheeks]
I've been relying on other people. . . don't worry.
[leaning on others, allowing himself to be pep-talked when needed. but it's true he hasn't crumbled so thoroughly on any of them except for her, and he knows that says a lot about how much he trusts her]
It's easier to keep going, no matter how much it hurts. It's easier to remind myself to keep fighting, rather than to let myself mourn.
[There's a hint of amusement in her voice, though it's very, very gentle.]
The people who care about you want to listen, regardless of whether things are good or bad. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to save it for a private moment, but... you have to be able to talk about things that weigh on you at some point, or it will damage how you can help others.
[it's strange, to be reminded that people are relying on him. because as flawlessly as he had fallen into the role of Leader back home, with his Phantom Thieves, he had never been the most popular guy among his peers. he had never expected anyone else beyond his thieves to care about him so much]
[. . .]
[it's strange, but it's. . . nice. and it's nice to finally let some of this out to someone he knows will hold his hand until the moment passes]
[he shifts to pull away from her, though he doesn't go far, his forehead still close enough to be pressed against her cool, metallic one. his eyes are closed again, and his smile is wry and lopsided]
. . . thanks.
[for reminding him that he can break, too. for reminding him that breaking isn't the end, but rather the start of a new beginning]
[The hand at his neck gently slides up to rest right back in his hair, her touch light. She's not here to keep him from leaving, after all... only to let him know she's there.]
...You're welcome.
[It's genuine, warm and pleasant, even with the pained tone in every other syllable. She trusts him deeply, after all. To be trusted in return, and by someone she cares so much for... it makes her heart feel so full.
Her eyes flicker to the side as she catches sight of his crutch on the floor, abandoned.]
You... haven't been on the floor this whole time, have you? D-Did you get any sleep at all?
[please, as though he'd pull away and completely ruin a moment like this one. not even when she asks that question, concern lacing every word of her voice]
[he huffs a little, a small expression of amusement]
[and finally, he draws back, though only to search her. . . well. she doesn't have much of an expression right now, does she? he watches the way the red of her eyes flickers, the light dim but strong, and lets out a small breath]
Are you sure. . .?
[she probably needs the rest too, now that he's thinking about it]
[there is a brief moment where he looks like he's going to argue, but. . . her bony fingers touch his jawline, and he inhales a sharp breath that catches in his throat]
[. . .]
[he dips forward to press his lips against the cool dome of her skull, eyes slipping shut as he lingers far longer than he did the first time he kissed her forehead. and while there, he mutters]
[She tilts her head up to meet his affection, her whole body feeling warm and light at the touch of his kiss. It's still embarrassing, still difficult to wrap her mind around. But... there's something so soothing, something that brings to mind what she'd had to talk about to others, to herself, that new and confusing and wonderful feeling that she only seemed to come across around him and him alone.]
I will be at Akechi's meeting, as best I can be. Right after... right after whatever happens outside.
[for now, that will have to suffice. he isn't exactly ready to pull away when he does, but he forces himself to stand up anyway, fingers trailing from hers]
You get some rest too, then. I promise I'll sleep as much as I can.
[and maybe now that he knows she's okay, he'll be able to sleep just fine]
I will. I don't think I will be of much use tomorrow if I can't even walk down the stairs. [There's that tinge of amusement again, subtle, if only to try and help him relax.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[almost surreal, hearing those words echoed back to him nearly a week later, spoken from Luna like they're her own. he finds himself forgetting how to breath, even as his own eyes screw shut, even as he tilts his head into that touch which is somehow laden with warmth despite her current appearance]
[something snaps. something familiar and yet not, all in one]
Why. . .
[he breathes out that word, his features twisted and pinched together, and presses their joined hands against his face to try and hide his expression. he is trembling]
W-- why would I? There's nothing to c-cry about. . . you're okay, right? So it's. . . f-fine.
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...You and I both know that nothing about this is fine, or fair, or normal. It's cruel. It's... it's exhausting. It's exhausting to... to be the one everyone else relies on.
If you could let someone like me, who doesn't even think of my emotions as completely real, still have a moment to mourn... then please. Please. Don't let this place convince you of anything else, other than its horror.
This place only takes, Akira. Even if all it takes in the moment is normalcy, or stability, or the comfort of knowing someone might be alive the next morning... it's okay to mourn what is being lost.
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[he doesn't know what does it. he doesn't know, at what point, the part of him that was holding back finally decides to burst. all he knows is that the cracking grows louder, the tightness in his chest increases, his entire face feels hot and gross and--]
[and. . .]
[he pitches forward to bury his face against the table on which Luna rests, her hand still resting underneath him. he doesn't make any sounds-- each and every one is stifled before it can tumble from his lips-- but. . . the trembling increases]
[and it's so strange, so weirdly cathartic, to finally let go after six weeks of holding himself back]
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It's okay. She's here.]
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[. . .]
[he tilts his head into it, lifting his face slightly so she can see the red of his eyes, even though he almost instantly lifts a hand to cover them, to wipe away whatever moisture was accumulating at the edges. he had his moment. he needs to focus now. . . doesn't he?]
[he is only allowed so long to break and crack and crumble. he needs to pull himself back together]
Sorry.
[he shouldn't be apologizing. Luna invited this, after all]
. . . I'm sorry.
[but he is not used to being this open, to being this vulnerable in front of others]
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[She'll see that look in his eyes, noting it, but carefully turning her view from it, giving him the privacy he wants, instead resting her temple against his head as she speaks.]
I worry about you. You take on so much... and you try so hard to help everyone cooperate. But... I never see anyone do the same for you. And I... I worry. Even for the strongest people, or those with the bravest types of generosity... there's only so much hurt a heart can hold without collapsing.
[Her own hand stays steady in the grip of his trembling fingers, her thumb tracing a gentle circle against the flesh.]
I'm glad to see you let yourself be perfectly human. It... it lets me know that you're going to be okay.
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I've been relying on other people. . . don't worry.
[leaning on others, allowing himself to be pep-talked when needed. but it's true he hasn't crumbled so thoroughly on any of them except for her, and he knows that says a lot about how much he trusts her]
It's easier to keep going, no matter how much it hurts. It's easier to remind myself to keep fighting, rather than to let myself mourn.
[. . .]
. . . that makes me a big hypocrite, doesn't it?
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[There's a hint of amusement in her voice, though it's very, very gentle.]
The people who care about you want to listen, regardless of whether things are good or bad. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to save it for a private moment, but... you have to be able to talk about things that weigh on you at some point, or it will damage how you can help others.
I don't think anyone wants that.
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[it's strange, to be reminded that people are relying on him. because as flawlessly as he had fallen into the role of Leader back home, with his Phantom Thieves, he had never been the most popular guy among his peers. he had never expected anyone else beyond his thieves to care about him so much]
[. . .]
[it's strange, but it's. . . nice. and it's nice to finally let some of this out to someone he knows will hold his hand until the moment passes]
[he shifts to pull away from her, though he doesn't go far, his forehead still close enough to be pressed against her cool, metallic one. his eyes are closed again, and his smile is wry and lopsided]
. . . thanks.
[for reminding him that he can break, too. for reminding him that breaking isn't the end, but rather the start of a new beginning]
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...You're welcome.
[It's genuine, warm and pleasant, even with the pained tone in every other syllable. She trusts him deeply, after all. To be trusted in return, and by someone she cares so much for... it makes her heart feel so full.
Her eyes flicker to the side as she catches sight of his crutch on the floor, abandoned.]
You... haven't been on the floor this whole time, have you? D-Did you get any sleep at all?
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[he huffs a little, a small expression of amusement]
I slept.
[IIIIISH. . .]
Enough, anyway.
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I'm okay. I'll be okay. Please... please, go get some rest. Even if it's just on the couches in the lounge.
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Are you sure. . .?
[she probably needs the rest too, now that he's thinking about it]
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[A pause. She lifts her hand to carefully rest against his jawline.]
Please. Knowing that you'll be okay will ease my mind of a lot of things.
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[. . .]
[he dips forward to press his lips against the cool dome of her skull, eyes slipping shut as he lingers far longer than he did the first time he kissed her forehead. and while there, he mutters]
. . . okay.
[and then draws back]
I'll come see you again later today, then.
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I will be at Akechi's meeting, as best I can be. Right after... right after whatever happens outside.
I promise.
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[for now, that will have to suffice. he isn't exactly ready to pull away when he does, but he forces himself to stand up anyway, fingers trailing from hers]
You get some rest too, then. I promise I'll sleep as much as I can.
[and maybe now that he knows she's okay, he'll be able to sleep just fine]
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...]
...Goodnight, Akira.
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Goodnight, Luna.
[and once he has it, he is out!! though not without one last glance. just to make sure]