[he breathes her name, and there's almost an apologetic tone in his voice as his fingers dance across her chin, up her jaw so he can tuck a strand of bright red hair behind her ear]
I want to-- [kiss you back, he thinks. and in this moment, he has never wanted anything more in the entire world. but. . .]
I want to, but I need. . . can you-- [oh god how does he explain this. the way he ducks his head ]
It's selfish, but can you wait for me? Just until this is all over. Because there's-- [. . . ] . . . there's someone else I need to resolve things with first.
The flush doesn't leave her face. But there's a horrible sting to the heat as she struggles to respond, her heart sinking straight into her stomach. She... she thought...
...
She doesn't answer. But her embarrassment is rapidly turning to shame, everything suddenly feeling very, very cold.
So she just nods, eyes dropping to the floor, backing away from the touch at her ear as her posture starts to deflate.]
[and just like that. . . the moment is gone, fragile enough to be blown away by a gust of sharp wind. Akira feels his heart wrench, and his back stiffens, because he doesn't--]
[he doesn't want her to go yet]
[she pulls away from his touch and he lets her, though not before dropping his hands to grab hers, grip tight]
No, no. It's not what you're thinking. It never could be. It never would be. I don't-- I don't have those kinds of feelings for them. I never did, and I never will. I couldn't.
And I never wanted from them what I want. . . [a pause, and a breath] From you.
[there's emphasis on the word you, a breathless quality to his voice that he doesn't bother to hide. but even so. . . he knows how hallow the excuse sounds to his own ears, and his grip on her hands becomes just a little more tight, fingers trembling]
I just need some time to clear the air between us, so you don't get hurt. That's. . . all.
[another pause, and he ducks his head]
. . . but if you don't want to wait, that's okay. But I-- [. . .] I really. . .
[In a better moment, she might listen to the words out of his mouth with a little more care. But her heart feelings like its slowly being peeled into pieces, and what little courage she had mustered up has only been replaced by the same fear that kept her silent at home, a choking, tight pain that locks up her throat.
She wants to believe him. She flinches every time something he says truly, truly hurts.
Her hands don't grip back, the shame on her face only deepening.]
...
Why didn't you... [Tell her? Say something? Ask her to stop???]
...
...
I'm... I'm sorry. I guess this wasn't what I...
...
I... I think it would be better if I just... go. [He'd have his space. His time. His people that he cared for. And she....
she would...
...
not.
With a weak grip, she pulls her hands back, immediately withdrawing from him.]
Excuse me.
LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR............. I REGRET AKIRA'S STUPID MISTAKES
[. . . he's such an idiot, letting his impulsiveness get away from him like this, and before he can stop himself--]
[his fingers curl around her wrist, grip almost desperate, even though he realizes that it isn't his place to ask her to stay when he's the reason her heart is shattering]
[he blurts out the words quickly, sharply, a desperate quality to them]
-- I don't want you to go.
Please don't. . . go.
[does he really deserve to ask her to stay like this. . .]
You're the one I want-- I want-- to stay the most.
[The words hit just as hard as a physical blow, Luna bodily flinching.
It hurts. She tried, she tried for her happiness, she tried to be brave, and it just burns like an open wound, raw and horrible.
...
He reaches out, grips her wrist with a painful tightness, anchoring her in place. She stops, too tired to rip herself free again. But she doesn't bother to look up, or to answer, desperately wishing that she hadn't even bothered with what she had so foolishly decided to do mere minutes ago.
If he wanted anything, then why... why did he trick her like this?
It stirs up something sour and hurt, shamed and angered tears watering her eyes. But she doesn't cry. She doesn't do anything.
She just stands, stone still, either waiting for him to speak, or to let her go.]
[. . . she still doesn't speak, but she also doesn't pull back. his grip on her wrist loosens a bit, but he doesn't let go. not yet. if she's sticking around, then. . . that means she's listening. that means he has a chance to make her understand something that he still barely does]
[that means he has to explain. it hurts to see her like this, so despondent, so ready to flee and give up, like all of this is her fault when Akira is really the one to blame]
. . . you've dealt with Akechi. You know what he's like. And our relationship is. . . complicated.
[putting it mildly]
After Nick died, he was so-- so angry. He almost destroyed his page in Nick's notebook, and I thought. . . that was just an insult to everything Nick had tried to do, you know?
We got into a fight. He punched me, and I punched him. I kept trying to make him understand that people like Nick-- like me-- cared about him, but it's hard to get anything through that thick skull of his.
[. . .]
So I kissed him. To calm him down, and to make him understand that people do care about him. Me included.
[a sharp exhale. a small, helpless shrug. his body goes limp, fingers on her wrist loosening even more. but still. . . he doesn't let go]
. . . I don't think it was the right way to convey what I was trying to convey, though.
[She remembers that night. She remembers Akira coming to find her, covered in bruises... showing her Phoenix's notebook... kissing her chastely the exact same night.
...
...
Was it just the same thing, then? Was all of this, just...
...
Miscommunication has her wires crossed and her emotions completely upended, bubbling up inside her. How badly she just wants to scream.
But she doesn't. He... was just trying. Like he tried with her. Maybe like he tried with... who knows what else in this place. Maybe this was just... how he was.
...
Her voice is quiet, almost dull, though it leaks the hurt that bleeds from her chest into every crack of her body.]
...You're really important to him, you know.
I... think that might be a more... a more worthwhile thing to focus on than...
[Her.]
...
[Slowly, with her free hand, she lifts her hand up to slip her necklace over her head. She can't quite meet his eyes. But she does hold it out to him.]
...
Just... promise me you'll come out of this alive. That's... that's all I...
[That's a lie, it's a lie, she wants happiness she wants freedom she wants--
[she isn't. . . fully listening, is she? is she blaming herself? is she thinking herself not worthy. . .? he doesn't know what's going through her mind at the moment, but her body language is so closed off, so restricted, so hurt that it aches. he really is an idiot. isn't he?]
[but she pulls off her necklace and holds it out to him, the pendant resting in her palm, the chain dangling from the edge of her hand. and he wants--]
[-- he wants her to ask more of him. he wants to give her more, and he doesn't. . . know how to make her understand]
[. . .]
. . . I don't want that. I don't want to focus on. . . that.
[he doesn't. he knew that even when he did kiss Akechi, despite the well of messy and complicated feelings the action drew forth. he reaches up with his free hand to take the pendant from her, fingers brushing against her palm, curling around the item tightly. he allows his hand to linger there, resting against her own]
. . .
I want--
[I want what we had earlier]
I want. . .
[. . . I want more of that in the future]
[he draws his hand back, but only so he can pluck off his glasses, folding the ears across the lenses as he places them back into the palm of her hand, curling her fingers around same tightly]
. . . I want you to come back alive, too. I want you to do what makes you happy. I want you to keep chasing a life that's worth living.
[all he has ever wanted for her was her own happiness and agency]
And selfishly. . . [as though he hasn't been selfish enough] I want you to give me a chance.
I know you don't want to focus on it. You keep saying that like it... like it means something. But... in admitting that it weighs on you this much... aren't you also admitting that your focus is already trying to direct you somewhere important?
...
[She slips her hands away fully, although she does not give him back the glasses. Instead, she wordlessly moves to the other side of the kitchen, pulling out some cooking twine and ripping off a piece just large enough to tie around her neck, knotting the glasses to it as well before slipping them to rest under her shirt.]
...
I... I really don't think you do know what you want, Akira. This... wouldn't be an issue if you did.
I'm... sorry if I just made it worse with everything I've done. But...
If... if you do figure out your answer, I... I hope it's one you feel confident in. I just... want it to be yours.
[this time. . . he lets her pull away, a sudden rush of cold replacing the warmth where her hands used to be. he swallows thickly, watching as she grabs the kitchen twine, as she ties them around his glasses and then loops the creation around her neck]
[there's a lot he wants to say, but there's one thing that stands out amidst it all--]
You didn't make anything worse, Luna. If anything. . . you made it better.
[and that. . . is firm. because none of this is her fault, and he refuses to let her take the blame for his own misdeeds]
[She stays quiet, nonreactive to the firmness of his statement. Perhaps because it just sounds a little too empty within the context of their conversation. But... she doesn't quite believe it. If he didn't understand his feelings, then what made that statement any different?
She doesn't give him a nod or shake, a yes or no. She just looks up at him, her eyes heavy and glassy and extremely difficult to read.]
It's not something for me. I... I would prefer you take the time you need to sort it out, rather than someone else's emotions cloud your judgement.
...
Please... Don't rush an answer just because I chose a poor time to make a... a silly mistake. I... I trust you. I know you can consider all possibilities, even if they are the hard ones. So I would rather you do that. Whether I can hear it or not... that isn't important.
I just want to believe you can find it someday.
...
[She lets out an exhale, pressing the back of one hand against her eyes for a moment. The chance that this could be their last conversation makes her want to vomit up every part of her, machine or otherwise. But he had more important things in life than a robot with a crush. Much, much more important things.]
I... think I've taken enough of your time. I need to speak to Brilith, regardless.
You really should eat something, okay? I'll leave you to it.
[And just like that, she's headed towards the kitchen entryway.]
[out of everything she's said so far, it's a silly mistake that hurts the most. like someone gripped his heart and twisted, squeezing it tightly enough to stop it's rhythmic beating. for a moment, his heart does stop, breath catching in his throat]
[and for the first time, she'll see a flicker of pain, of hurt, in his expression. but what else can he do. . .? what else can he say? is it a matter of her just not believing him, or. . .]
[. . .]
Lu--
[he wants to stop her again, but perhaps. . . she needs some time alone to sort out how she feels. and perhaps all he says now is just making things worse]
[. . .]
[maybe he. . . really does need some time to figure out his own answer. . . to figure out a way to give it to her so that she believes him]
. . . okay.
[he lifts a hand, scrubbing a bit as his features]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Luna. . .
[he breathes her name, and there's almost an apologetic tone in his voice as his fingers dance across her chin, up her jaw so he can tuck a strand of bright red hair behind her ear]
I want to-- [kiss you back, he thinks. and in this moment, he has never wanted anything more in the entire world. but. . .]
I want to, but I need. . . can you-- [oh god how does he explain this. the way he ducks his head ]
It's selfish, but can you wait for me? Just until this is all over. Because there's-- [. . . ] . . . there's someone else I need to resolve things with first.
[oh]
no subject
Oh.
...
Oh.
He had someone else.
...
The flush doesn't leave her face. But there's a horrible sting to the heat as she struggles to respond, her heart sinking straight into her stomach. She... she thought...
...
She doesn't answer. But her embarrassment is rapidly turning to shame, everything suddenly feeling very, very cold.
So she just nods, eyes dropping to the floor, backing away from the touch at her ear as her posture starts to deflate.]
no subject
[he doesn't want her to go yet]
[she pulls away from his touch and he lets her, though not before dropping his hands to grab hers, grip tight]
No, no. It's not what you're thinking. It never could be. It never would be. I don't-- I don't have those kinds of feelings for them. I never did, and I never will. I couldn't.
And I never wanted from them what I want. . . [a pause, and a breath] From you.
[there's emphasis on the word you, a breathless quality to his voice that he doesn't bother to hide. but even so. . . he knows how hallow the excuse sounds to his own ears, and his grip on her hands becomes just a little more tight, fingers trembling]
I just need some time to clear the air between us, so you don't get hurt. That's. . . all.
[another pause, and he ducks his head]
. . . but if you don't want to wait, that's okay. But I-- [. . .] I really. . .
[and he trails off]
well it was nice while it lasted
She wants to believe him. She flinches every time something he says truly, truly hurts.
Her hands don't grip back, the shame on her face only deepening.]
...
Why didn't you... [Tell her? Say something? Ask her to stop???]
...
...
I'm... I'm sorry. I guess this wasn't what I...
...
I... I think it would be better if I just... go. [He'd have his space. His time. His people that he cared for. And she....
she would...
...
not.
With a weak grip, she pulls her hands back, immediately withdrawing from him.]
Excuse me.
LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR............. I REGRET AKIRA'S STUPID MISTAKES
Wait, Luna--
[-- not at all what he--]
Don't go yet, it isn't--
[. . . he's such an idiot, letting his impulsiveness get away from him like this, and before he can stop himself--]
[his fingers curl around her wrist, grip almost desperate, even though he realizes that it isn't his place to ask her to stay when he's the reason her heart is shattering]
[he blurts out the words quickly, sharply, a desperate quality to them]
-- I don't want you to go.
Please don't. . . go.
[does he really deserve to ask her to stay like this. . .]
You're the one I want-- I want-- to stay the most.
no subject
It hurts. She tried, she tried for her happiness, she tried to be brave, and it just burns like an open wound, raw and horrible.
...
He reaches out, grips her wrist with a painful tightness, anchoring her in place. She stops, too tired to rip herself free again. But she doesn't bother to look up, or to answer, desperately wishing that she hadn't even bothered with what she had so foolishly decided to do mere minutes ago.
If he wanted anything, then why... why did he trick her like this?
It stirs up something sour and hurt, shamed and angered tears watering her eyes. But she doesn't cry. She doesn't do anything.
She just stands, stone still, either waiting for him to speak, or to let her go.]
no subject
[that means he has to explain. it hurts to see her like this, so despondent, so ready to flee and give up, like all of this is her fault when Akira is really the one to blame]
. . . you've dealt with Akechi. You know what he's like. And our relationship is. . . complicated.
[putting it mildly]
After Nick died, he was so-- so angry. He almost destroyed his page in Nick's notebook, and I thought. . . that was just an insult to everything Nick had tried to do, you know?
We got into a fight. He punched me, and I punched him. I kept trying to make him understand that people like Nick-- like me-- cared about him, but it's hard to get anything through that thick skull of his.
[. . .]
So I kissed him. To calm him down, and to make him understand that people do care about him. Me included.
[a sharp exhale. a small, helpless shrug. his body goes limp, fingers on her wrist loosening even more. but still. . . he doesn't let go]
. . . I don't think it was the right way to convey what I was trying to convey, though.
no subject
...
...
Was it just the same thing, then? Was all of this, just...
...
Miscommunication has her wires crossed and her emotions completely upended, bubbling up inside her. How badly she just wants to scream.
But she doesn't. He... was just trying. Like he tried with her. Maybe like he tried with... who knows what else in this place. Maybe this was just... how he was.
...
Her voice is quiet, almost dull, though it leaks the hurt that bleeds from her chest into every crack of her body.]
...You're really important to him, you know.
I... think that might be a more... a more worthwhile thing to focus on than...
[Her.]
...
[Slowly, with her free hand, she lifts her hand up to slip her necklace over her head. She can't quite meet his eyes. But she does hold it out to him.]
...
Just... promise me you'll come out of this alive. That's... that's all I...
[That's a lie, it's a lie, she wants happiness she wants freedom she wants--
she wants her heart to stop hurting]
...That's all I will ask of you.
no subject
[but she pulls off her necklace and holds it out to him, the pendant resting in her palm, the chain dangling from the edge of her hand. and he wants--]
[-- he wants her to ask more of him. he wants to give her more, and he doesn't. . . know how to make her understand]
[. . .]
. . . I don't want that. I don't want to focus on. . . that.
[he doesn't. he knew that even when he did kiss Akechi, despite the well of messy and complicated feelings the action drew forth. he reaches up with his free hand to take the pendant from her, fingers brushing against her palm, curling around the item tightly. he allows his hand to linger there, resting against her own]
. . .
I want--
[I want what we had earlier]
I want. . .
[. . . I want more of that in the future]
[he draws his hand back, but only so he can pluck off his glasses, folding the ears across the lenses as he places them back into the palm of her hand, curling her fingers around same tightly]
. . . I want you to come back alive, too. I want you to do what makes you happy. I want you to keep chasing a life that's worth living.
[all he has ever wanted for her was her own happiness and agency]
And selfishly. . . [as though he hasn't been selfish enough] I want you to give me a chance.
no subject
...
[She slips her hands away fully, although she does not give him back the glasses. Instead, she wordlessly moves to the other side of the kitchen, pulling out some cooking twine and ripping off a piece just large enough to tie around her neck, knotting the glasses to it as well before slipping them to rest under her shirt.]
...
I... I really don't think you do know what you want, Akira. This... wouldn't be an issue if you did.
I'm... sorry if I just made it worse with everything I've done. But...
If... if you do figure out your answer, I... I hope it's one you feel confident in. I just... want it to be yours.
no subject
[there's a lot he wants to say, but there's one thing that stands out amidst it all--]
You didn't make anything worse, Luna. If anything. . . you made it better.
[and that. . . is firm. because none of this is her fault, and he refuses to let her take the blame for his own misdeeds]
[. . .]
Can I. . . give it to you tomorrow?
no subject
She doesn't give him a nod or shake, a yes or no. She just looks up at him, her eyes heavy and glassy and extremely difficult to read.]
It's not something for me. I... I would prefer you take the time you need to sort it out, rather than someone else's emotions cloud your judgement.
...
Please... Don't rush an answer just because I chose a poor time to make a... a silly mistake. I... I trust you. I know you can consider all possibilities, even if they are the hard ones. So I would rather you do that. Whether I can hear it or not... that isn't important.
I just want to believe you can find it someday.
...
[She lets out an exhale, pressing the back of one hand against her eyes for a moment. The chance that this could be their last conversation makes her want to vomit up every part of her, machine or otherwise. But he had more important things in life than a robot with a crush. Much, much more important things.]
I... think I've taken enough of your time. I need to speak to Brilith, regardless.
You really should eat something, okay? I'll leave you to it.
[And just like that, she's headed towards the kitchen entryway.]
no subject
[and for the first time, she'll see a flicker of pain, of hurt, in his expression. but what else can he do. . .? what else can he say? is it a matter of her just not believing him, or. . .]
[. . .]
Lu--
[he wants to stop her again, but perhaps. . . she needs some time alone to sort out how she feels. and perhaps all he says now is just making things worse]
[. . .]
[maybe he. . . really does need some time to figure out his own answer. . . to figure out a way to give it to her so that she believes him]
. . . okay.
[he lifts a hand, scrubbing a bit as his features]
O-- okay.